Autumn is here in the Czech Republic. Autumn is the season of leaves falling, of time passing, of grief. There are so many things to grieve about, so many hurts that befriend us just through being human…
Last time I wrote about how my father processed the grief of losing my mother through his tyre art. It also made me reflect on how I grieve, particularly on how energy is really shaken up after a momentous event such as a family member’s death. When my mother passed away, I felt an eruption of energy.
It is hard to describe what it was like, but it was after her death that I got paid as a writer for the first time - as a book critic and getting commissioned to write my first ever audio drama, something I had never done before. It was like this rush of energy, not necessarily coming from me either. Nothing was the same anymore of course, but also energetically it was no longer business as usual. I remember when my brother passed away in 2012, I was in the middle of my PhD. I thought the crushing grief would make me stop, but instead the energy unleashed actually helped me to finish it.
It made me think about energy, and how energy is truly a curious thing: non-linear, unpredictable and will come out in its own way, I just have to go along for the ride. In thinking about energy, I also thought about energy being depleted and the most intense and recent way I’ve experienced this has been motherhood.
There is no reciprocity in mothering - it is all giving and completely draining in my experience. Of course, reciprocity is not something I can ever expect or demand from my child. And the small moments of joy and love do give me something, fuel me, but in my current season of raising a toddler, the giving far outweighs any immediate receiving. It’s what I’ve struggled with most - how there is no reciprocity in what arguably has been my most creative act (giving birth).
It’s helpful for me to think of energy as non-linear and multi-textual, which I’ve learnt from https://keningzhu.com/digital-abundance. I might receive years later, and in ways that I don’t expect. I can’t set down an idea of how or when I will receive when I give. I can only be open to non-linear ways of giving and receiving, and being open to the mystery of how resources can arrive into my world.
Something that came up recently in my daily journaling: I want to feel free again. But I don’t know what that looks like as a mother. I don’t know what that means - to desire to be free and to be a mother at the same time.
I also just finished sessions with a client for the first ever time as a writing mentor. We worked together for a month to get her back into writing, on a topic that she is very much experienced in and knowledgeable about. The lovely thing was watching her grow over our time together, seeing how she was able to do it (the writing), she just needed a little encouragement and guidance. It reminded me how much writing is our attempt to connect with others on matters that are deeply important to us - how writing is a reaching out towards the world.
As a first time mentor I was however fighting a pervasive feeling of imposter syndrome - am I really helping, I don’t know enough, who do I think I am mentoring someone etc etc. I guess all those negative thoughts don’t vanish overnight!
I also recently facilitated a bespoke writing workshop for a group of 6 women from South Africa to celebrate one of the women’s 50th birthday milestone. It truly was a privilege to able to share in these women’s dreams, ambitions and vulnerability. This is why I ❤️ doing writing workshops.
Other things I’ve been working on include creating a new website for myself. I’m doing it in Framer, a platform I’ve never used before and I have to keep telling myself, ‘You’re not stupid, you’re not stupid. You can do this!’ Because I definitely feel stupid and like I can’t do it! #Overwhelmed middle-aged mama luddite.
In other news, the draft manuscript of my crime fiction novel got longlisted for the Australian Fiction Prize run by Harper Collins Australia :) I feel really good about it, even if I don’t win it is so validating after being in a postpartum cocoon for nearly 3 years :)
I can pinpoint my being a writer now down to my love for reading as a child. The role of the library as an immigrant working class kid in Australia: my library bag was like a bag full of lollies that I couldn’t wait to devour when I got home. I’ve never lost that feeling about books. What a gift.
I’ve also been working on a couple of book reviews that will come out soon, and some more bespoke writing workshops are in the pipeline.
That’s all for now, would love to hear your news 🙂
Warmly,
May